Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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