I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize