i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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