Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
