I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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