Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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