At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
