My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
