I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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