it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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