New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize