A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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