So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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