FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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