The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
