Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
