I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
