Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
