The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize