It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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