I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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