I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
