Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
