when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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