i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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