then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
