Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
