I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
