he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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