my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
