i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
