I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
