Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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