when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
