btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
