Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize