Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
