I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
