you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All the doctor said was why
Randomize