I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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