Everything about him screamed your future.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
