Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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