guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Someone shit on the floor
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
