I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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