I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
