I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
