As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
