You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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