haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
