I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
