I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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