He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
