Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
