It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
