You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
