I could make wine with my vomit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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