I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
