I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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