I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
