My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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