You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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