Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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